The Adventures of the (drunk) Dead Men
by kittehkatkakes
Summary: I think the title pretty much explains it all...
1. A phone call from the Dead Men chapter 1

Valkyrie yawned as she sat up in bed, wondering what had woken her up. She was on vacation, all the way in Hawaii, and it was pitch black outside her window. Sure, she missed Skulduggery and her work, but she did need a holiday once in a while, away from all the action and adventure of being a detective. It took her a moment to realise her phone was ringing, and she picked it up hastily, wondering who would want her at this time of night.

"Hello?"

"It's Vex." Someone responded on the other end of the line. They were obviously deliberately changing their voice, and she couldn't make out who it was.

"Who is this?"

"It's Vex!" Dexter Vex screamed on the other end of the line, followed by hysterical laughter from himself and other Irishmen in the background.

"Wow, Vex, you're so funny. Now shut up and go away; I'm trying to sleep." She grumbled. Valkyrie was obviously on loudspeaker, as there was more laughing following her words.

"Erskine!" Vex called. "I told you to check the time zones! She's sleeping!"

"Yeah, but Val could sleep all day." Erskine protested from somewhere else.

"You didn't really check them, did you?" Ghastly asked. There was a long silence.

"Hang on… are you guys using the phones around Skulduggery's house?" Valkyrie caught on immediately. There was yelling in the background, and a door slammed somewhere.

"_He found me!"_ This was Saracen Rue.

"Shhhh… come into the kitchen, that's where I am." Anton Shudder said in his quiet voice.

"Guys, what's going on? Why is there yelling and doors slamming and _is that Skulduggery_?" there was a scream, a crash, and the fading sounds of running footsteps. Erskine muttered something unintelligible, but she definitely caught her partner's name in there.

"Ah! Val. Hello. _Help me._" Her partner yelled into the phone.

"What's going on?"

"These… these… _morons _have broken into my house and started messing with my telephones! What do I do?"

"Well, I mean, you guys are Dead Men. There isn't a lot anyone can do."

"Come back and help me!"

"It's one in the morning over here! Do you expect me to just teleport?!" she hissed. There was another silence apart from the stifled giggles of the other Dead Men.

"Yeah, Val, _teleport." _This was Tanith, and Skulduggery groaned.

"Not you too… I'm sending Fletcher over." Skulduggery cut his line short, and there was raucous laughter from Erskine and Saracen, who were now sharing a phone.

"OK, so where are you guys?" Valkyrie asked. The Dead Men started babbling away, all at once.

"One at a time!" she complained.

"OK. Me and Tanith are in Skul's bedroom…" Ghastly started.

"Me and Saracen are in the living room behind the big sofa…" Erskine whispered.

"I'm in the kitchen." Anton stated.

"I'm in the bath!" Vex finished cheerily.

"Aw, Vex, c'mon. Don't give me that image of your sexy um, body." Valkyrie protested. There was a rush and pop of air behind her, and she turned to see Fletcher Renn looking bewildered, his hair a mess and a bruise starting to appear on his left cheek.

"Um, Skulduggery-" he started.

"Yeah. I know." She said through a sigh.


	2. A phone call from the Dead Men chapter 2

She grabbed onto Fletcher's arm, and felt the brief sensation of being scattered into a million pieces before stumbling away at the door of Skulduggery's house. Valkyrie didn't bother knocking when Fletch left her, and walked straight into the living room. The young detective heard a shriek of surprise before something stuck out from behind an armchair and she tripped over it. Groaning, she rolled over onto her back to see a terrified Saracen Rue.

"Val! It's you!" he cried, grabbing Erskine by the arm and dragging him over.

"Look your majesty! It's Val!"

"What's up with you guys today?" she muttered, grabbing onto the armchair to help herself up. Saracen and Ravel also stood up, and she saw them stumble against each other for a bit.

"Hang on. Are you… drunk?" she asked.

"No! No! We're not drunk!" Anton came out of the kitchen, giggling like a hyena. "We drank the forbidden juice! The juicy-juice!" Valkyrie backed away.

"Y-You're scaring me…" she mumbled.

"VAL!" she whipped around to see Skulduggery. "Quick, come here!" he beckoned and she followed, running upstairs to the bathroom. Skulduggery yanked Dexter out of the bathtub by his shirt collar, shoving him outside in a tangle of arms and legs and bones and locking the door. Valkyrie leaned against it, breathing rather heavily.

"OK," she panted, "what happened?" Skulduggery looked down, and coughed.

"What _happened?!" _Valkyrie demanded, raising her voice slightly.

"Yeah Skul, what happened?" Dexter mimicked from outside.

"Shut up!" Skulduggery roared. He cleared his non-existent throat. "I, um, I may have accidentally-on-purpose left the fridge unlocked in the Sanctuary."

"And?" Val pressed, raising an eyebrow.

"AndtheyfoundtheLucozadeandmayormaynothavegotalittlehigh." Pleasant said in a rush of words.

"So I'm supposed to be on _vacation,_" Valkyrie marched up to him dangerously, "and you can't even control the idiots you fought with in the war?" she sighed. "And Tanith?"

"Tanith spoke to Ghastly who spoke to Saracen who spoke to Dexter who spoke to Anton who spoke to Ravel who ordered Tipstaff to get her a can. Or ten. And Erskine also promised Tipstaff that he would lose his job if he refused." Val groaned, placing her head in her hands.

"And how, detective Pleasant, do you presume we keep your moron friends under control?"

"Like this." Skulduggery held up six pairs of handcuffs, tossing her three which she clipped onto her belt. Before she could say any more, a large crash sounded from outside, and someone howled in pain. Running to the window, she paled as she saw the sight before her. Saracen had tripped over a bin, landing headfirst in a pile of rubbish. It got worse. The six high sorcerers loaded themselves into Ghastly's van and drove off with a sputter of the engine.

"Oh, hell." Skulduggery muttered.


	3. Chapter 3, TPing the Sanctuary

**Hi guys, sorry for the late update, but-**

"_**WHERE WERE YOU?!" **_**…what?**

"_**I SAID, WHERE WERE YOU?!" **_**…um, excuse me, but I was…**

"_**I AM THE TOP SANCTUARY DETECTIVE! THE BEST THERE EVER WAS! AND YOU, YOU PUNY MORTAL, ARE GOING TO FACE MY WRATH BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO UPDATE!"**_

"**Skul, calm down."**

"_**SHUT UP VAL! I AM NOT GOING TO CALM DOWN! SHE DIDN'T UPDATE! SHE LEFT ME WAITING ALL-" **_**Uh, guys? Guys? What was that thump? And why can I hear a body being dragged?  
"Sorry… he was being annoying…" uh, anyway, sorry for the late update, and on with the chapter! All rights to respective idiots.**

Valkyrie leapt into the Bentley, sliding over to her seat whilst Skulduggery fired up the engine.

"Seatbelt." He muttered. Not wanting a repeat of the last car chase, where she had repeatedly smashed her head against the window, Cain obediently yanked the seatbelt across her waist. The Bentley roared forwards, following the van in front. From the shotgun seat, Val could see Ghastly driving the van, with Erskine next to him, but the golden eyed mage was struggling to push Saracen off his lap. Dexter was trying to hug Anton, who in turn was screaming at the top of his lungs. The van travelled faster and faster, and Skulduggery's car could barely keep up. They skidded into the Sanctuary car park; already realising they were too late as Erskine produced ten rolls of toilet paper from nowhere. Hell. They were going to TP the Sanctuary.

…

Valkyrie soon got lost in the well-lit corridors as she chased after Saracen and Dexter, following the trails of toilet paper like she was in the Labyrinth with the Minotaur. Suddenly, there came a surprised cry from up ahead, and she slowed to a steady walk with her palm ready to snap at the air should she need to defend herself.

"Fletcher!" Dexter screamed. "Try some of this!" before Valkyrie could warn Fletch, she peeked around the corner and saw Saracen Rue holding a struggling Fletcher Renn still whilst Dexter Vex poured a can of Lucozade down his throat.

"No- Vex, I- _AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" _Valkyrie blocked her ears at the hyena-like laugh resounding throughout the corridor. It seemed to echo, lasting _waaay _longer than it should have. She cursed under her breath, running to find Skulduggery.

"They've got Fletcher." She panted to him, doubling over to catch her breath. Her partner tilted his head to the right in amusement, and she slapped him upside the skull.

"This is not funny! Have you got a single clue what they could do with him? We could have a rogue Grand Mage in Antarctica, and nobody would know!"

"True. Ghastly's back, by the way." The skeleton pointed to the infirmary, where a sleeping Ghastly Bespoke was having his blood levels checked by Doctor Synecdoche. Cain breathed a sigh of relief, and for the second time that day, stiffened as another scream erupted around the Sanctuary.


	4. Chapter 4, He

**Firstly, apologies. Again. I lost all of my documents when I broke my memory stick, sooo… yeah. Also I got sick; sprained my wrist and am being severely bullied at school. It has been a week from hell. Sorry for not updating, and sadly, I do not own S.P.**

Valkyrie winced as the blood-curdling scream erupted down the corridors.

"What was _that?!_" she demanded, turning to Skulduggery. He wasn't there.

"Wha-" looking around wildly, she spotted her partner already walking to the source of the scream. She caught up to him, and whacked him on the arm. He whacked her back. She whacked him again. Before the skeleton could hit her, she grabbed his fist.

"Don't do that!" she hissed.

"What?" Skulduggery cocked his head to the side in curiosity.

"Don't run away!"

"I walked." She slapped him again and stalked off down the corridor. Valkyrie Cain stopped dead. She turned back around, and Skulduggery noticed how pale his partner had turned.

"Val?" he asked, concern whispering its way through his words. "Are you OK? Is something wrong? Are you hurt?" the skeleton bombarded his trembling friend with questions.

"Where," she said slowly, "was Tanith when they got out of Ghastly's van?"

"Oh, hell." Skulduggery whispered. The two took off sprinting down the corridor.

Valkyrie was checking every doorway, searching every room for any sign of the high Dead Men, but to no avail. That was, until they reached the repository.

"Guys, look what I found!" they heard Erskine scream, followed by a lot of laughter.

"Here… not here! Here… not here!"

"Cloaking sphere?" Val raised an eyebrow at her partner, who nodded. Another scream erupted from the room, followed by even more laughter.

"_YOU… YOU DROPPED IT… ON HIS FOOT!" _Saracen Rue roared. Someone howled in pain, probably Anton.

"G-G-Guys, h-_HE'S HERE!" _Fletcher shrieked. More screaming erupted from the repository.

**So who is **_**he?**_


	5. Chapter 5, Slender in the Sanctuary

**OK guys, I've decided to update **_**today **_**because I got so many positive reviews and feedback from you guys! Thank you *sniffs.* Anyway, let's forget the mushy stuff…**

**Squishy: I'm getting better, and no, it's not fun… *shiver* but thank you so much! Yay cake and cookies and blankets and **_**nomnomnom **_**(Also my favourite SP character **_**has **_**to be Skul, because hell, can you imagine life without him?)**

"Who's _he?_" Valkyrie mouthed. Skulduggery shrugged his shoulders, and began to count down from three on his bony fingers. _Two… one. _Val burst through the doors into the Repository, only to find pandemonium. Erskine Ravel and Saracen Rue held a Cloaking sphere, and were tossing it between them, occasionally hitting Anton on the head. There was a lot of high pitched giggling, and screams. Lots of screams. Valkyrie noticed how nearly everyone else was crowded around a computer of sorts, and she stepped forwards as everyone else stepped back.

"HE GOT US! HE GOT US! HEEEEEEEEEELLLLP!" Fletcher shrieked.

"He didn't get us, you idiot…" someone mumbled from the keyboard. _Tanith?! _So she'd been here, playing… Slender. Wow. Actually wow.

"VAL! _CATCH!" _Ravel shrieked, and Valkyrie whirled around just in time to be hit in the head by a flying Cloaking sphere. She clenched her fists in anger, and sent a wave of shadows flying towards both Erskine and Saracen, pinning them to the wall and snatching the sphere away.

"Puny mortals…" she muttered, turning her attention away from Saracen (who was complaining that the shadows tickled him) and to Tanith. Skulduggery was one step ahead of her, attempting to get past Anton and rip out the plug from its socket. Fletcher screamed something about a rock looking like Dexter's face. Dexter punched Fletcher. Finally, both Anton and Dexter managed to pick up the skeleton from around the waist, and with a grunt, fling him at Valkyrie. She only just ducked out of the way, and went into hysterics as she spotted Skulduggery, covered in debris from a fallen shelf, groaning and attempting to sort out his crumpled hat and suit. She strode over.

"We need a new plan," he muttered.

"Kinda gathered."

"Do you think you can distract Tan-" The skeleton was cut off by Tanith screaming and running out of the room.

"Do you think you can distract Tan-" Skulduggery tried again, but this time Tanith screamed and ran back _into _the room.

"What _is it _with her? Can I not say any-"

"_BARRICADE THE DOORS! DO NOT LET ANYTHING IN OR OUT! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHALL HE ENTER!" _Tanith shrieked. Skulduggery shook his head in annoyance and disappointment.

"Shall I shoot h-"

"HE. IS. COMIIIIIIIIING!" Dexter yelled, pointing out of the doorway.

"Who?" Valkyrie asked, ignoring the grumbling Skulduggery. She peeked her head out of the doorway, before ducking back inside, a look of terror plastered onto her pale face.

"Oh, hell. It's Slender."


	6. Chapter 6, Collaboration

**YO! Next chapter's here! Firstly, replies.**

**Squishy: Yeah, I tried Slender once. I was terrified… until I read the fanfics. They made everything better, take my word for it. Thank you so much!**

**Guest: YOU WILL FIND OUT. THAT IS ALL, FRIEND.**

**Thank you guys for reviewing, I really appreciate it! Any suggestions are welcome.**

"What?" Skulduggery said blankly.

"Slender… is… outside. He… is… walking… towards… this… room." Valkyrie hissed.

"Pffffff… Slenderman isn't _reeal._" Pleasant protested. Instead of answering, Cain jerked her thumb towards the doorway. The skeleton stalked up, shoving aside the chairs a panicked Dexter had piled up on top of a table. He leapt back inside the Repository in shock, and Val raised an eyebrow. Skulduggery glanced at her, cleared his non-existent throat, straightened his hat, and moved to the door again. He faltered, and turned back to her.

"Now, Valkyrie, I wouldn't normally say this. After all, I am an extremely intelligent, charming, brave, witty skeleton… the list could go on and on and on. I will always put myself first. But in this situation, fuck that shit, you go out there." The girl huffed, and gave him a little shove to get him moving.

"Hey-" he grabbed her, pulling her outside with him, and she cursed as Tanith shut the door in her face. The two slowly turned to the looming, ten foot tall man with no face. Valkyrie gulped, and hid behind Skulduggery.

The tall man was wearing a black suit similar to Skulduggery's, but without the fedora. His head was tilted to the side, like Skulduggery often did to show… curiosity? A second later, Valkyrie felt something wrap itself around her waist, and she was being pulled towards the faceless man. Pleasant grabbed her wrist in an attempt to stop her travelling away from him, and she kicked at the tentacle, but to no avail. In the end, Val realised she was just wasting her energy, and thought it best to just go limp, allowing the tall man to hold her up and inspect her. He waved her around a little, poking her with his many tentacles and turning her over. Valkyrie cleared her throat.

"Can I… help you?" she asked. The faceless man stopped, placing her back down on the ground – she was too scared to move away; but in a way, it was like _he _was nervous around her. Why did he need to look at her? He had killed many humans; surely he knew what they looked like by now! The tall man backed away, and absentmindedly waved a tentacle as he started to speak. Skulduggery slowly walked up to her, taking one of her hands and squeezing it gently.

"Don't let go. Please." She murmured.

"I won't." he responded.

"Apologies," Slenderman started (in a strangely English accent), "allow me to introduce myself. I am Slenderman, but you may call me Slender." He peeked at Skulduggery, and jerked backwards. "You – you're a skeleton!" He exclaimed.

"I am. I have been one for quite a few years now." Pleasant nodded.

"How is this possible?"

"Magic." Skulduggery raised a handful of fire.

"I… see." The tall man's head was tilted in a way that told Val he didn't really understand anyway.

"Why are you here?" Val interrupted. Slender stopped, and peered at her curiously.

"That I do not know. I was summoned. Your people amuse me…" he picked up a screaming Sanctuary mage, and inspected him before releasing the poor sod and continuing. "Because you are so afraid."

"I wonder why…" Skul muttered under his breath.

"So do I! I mean, it's like, I'm not a serial killer, I haven't murdered a soul in my life! What's up with your people? So much fear. But also, you are different." He gestured to the two standing before him.

"Different how?" Valkyrie questioned.

"Well, for starters, you haven't screamed yet. You are scared, yes, but you're also brave, and curious – and nobody's ever demonstrated curiosity to me before – and I also get the feeling that a lot of people depend on you."

"Not bad for a non-detective." Skulduggery told Slender.

"What do you mean, summoned?" Valkyrie asked quickly before her partner's ego could expand.

"Whenever somebody plays the Slender game on that haunted computer," Slender gestured to the Repository, "it means they need me. So why do you need me?"

"Of course." Skulduggery muttered. "I collected that computer about a year ago from that absolute idiot, Dragonclaw. He must've enchanted it…"

"Dragonclaw?" Valkyrie shrieked. "Someone trusted _Dragonclaw _with a… with a…" she threw her hands up in exasperation. Skulduggery tilted his head again.

"Val," he started, "I th-"

"Don't tell me to calm down, Skulduggery! I'm facing a ten foot tall man in a suit _without a face; _I'm trying to keep your moron friends under control, I'm supposed to be _on holiday, _and – and – and…" she trailed off.

"Are you quite finished?" both Skulduggery and Slender asked in synch.

"No, I'm not finished!" Valkyrie exploded. She thought for a moment. "Okay. I'm finished now." Skulduggery nodded.

"Well, Mr. Slender, we apologise for summoning you. It was a very simple mistake, and-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!" Tanith yelled a war cry. Actually, it might have been a fear-cry. Is that a thing? It might be. I don't know. Anyway, Tanith cried out in fear and tried to run past the ten foot tall man in the corridor, followed by Dexter, Saracen, Anton, and Erskine. Ghastly appeared behind Slender, paled, and stumbled away around the corner. As Tanith approached, sword out and followed by her high friends, Slender grabbed each of them with a tentacle.

"HE'S GOING TO MURDER MEEEEEEEEE!" Erksine shrieked, kicking and punching at anything that moved.

"That was my FACE!" Dexter yelled.

"I think you should calm down. I am not here to murder anybody." Slender turned to Pleasant and Cain, keeping the screaming sorcerers away from him. "I think I was summoned for a reason…" he muttered.

"Well, we could use your help on that." Slender reached out a tentacle, shaking Skulduggery's bony hand, and then Valkyrie's warm one.

"It's a deal." He said.

**So how did you like this chapter? Are there any more characters you would like me to add in? they don't have to be SP or Creepypasta based! Let me know!**


	7. Chapter 7, Arrival of the Proxies

**Hey! So I got a day off from school today (inset day) and have some time on my hands, so I figured I'd do a NEXT DAY UPDATE! Wooooohoooooo! You're lucky to get one of those from me. Anyway, all rights to respective idiots, and on with the chapter!**

"**I can't believe she's doing one of these!"**

"**What?"**

"**Well, she never does a next-day update." Shut up, Skul.**

"**I'm not kidding!" I said, **_**on with the story.**_

"**Fine…"**

Slender took his tentacle back, and began walking towards the Repository, still carrying Erskine, Saracen, Dexter, Anton and Tanith. Skulduggery and Valkyrie didn't say anything, just began following him, as if in a trance.

"He seems quite nice for a murderer." Valkyrie whispered.

"I told you, I haven't murdered a soul! They all… they all have heart attacks…" Slender sniffed.

"Well, maybe you should try being less scary?" Skulduggery suggested.

"And how do you propose I do that?" Slender called, dodging another sword swipe from Tanith.

"Turn around and face me." Valkyrie said, producing something from her pocket. The tall man did so, and Val approached carefully, trying to dodge boots, fists, and magic streams. As soon as she got within three feet, Saracen started laughing manically.

"I- I KNOW WHAT SHE'S GOING TO DO!" He screamed.

"Shut up, Saracen." Val muttered. "Any chance of a leg up?" she asked Skulduggery, who came forwards and interlocked his fingers. She stepped backwards, allowing him to lift her into the air, so she could just about reach the blank space where Slender's face was supposed to be. **(If anyone starts singing 'Blank Space' in the comments I will personally ban you. It's not that I've got anything against Taylor, just that I'VE HEARD IT SO MANY TIMASDFGHJKL) **she prepared the crayon, thinking out where she could draw, and then muttered something along the lines of 'screw it' and drew a smiley face on Slender's blank one.

"Perfect!" Valkyrie beamed, hopping down from Skulduggery's hands. She stood back and admired her handiwork.

"It looks like something a three-year-old drew." Skulduggery murmured.

"Don't lie, it's fabulous!" Val retorted. Slender shook his head, wiped his face with a tentacle, and continued down the corridor.

_**~I'm too lazy to write another document so here's where another chapter would start~**_

Slender entered the Repository, and stopped dead. There, in the middle of the room, sat his six proxies and Smile Dog. They were messing with all the equipment, and guess what? Playing Slender with Tipstaff.

"Argh no no no no no!" the Administrator screamed, and leapt up from the seat (much like Tanith had previously), running to the door. He saw Slender standing there, and screamed again, tripping over his own feet and falling to a shaking heap on the floor. Skulduggery sighed and walked forwards, offering Tipstaff a hand.

"Get up, Tipstaff," he said wearily, "and go get yourself a coffee. Send Ghastly, too."

"O-O-OK, D-d-detective P-P-Pleasant…" Tipstaff stammered, and moved to the door, not taking his eyes off Slender. The tall man stepped out of the way, and the Administrator shrieked before hurrying off down the corridor. Slender returned his attention to the proxies, who now stood in a sheepish line, glancing at the three occasionally but mostly keeping their eyes fixed to the floor. All except for Smile Dog, who ran up to Valkyrie and started to lick her face.

"Um, hello." She said. Smile gave her one last lick before wagging his tail and running back to a black-haired boy in a white, blood-stained hoodie, who had a – oh god, was that a _smile _carved into his face? She discreetly nudged closer to Skulduggery, who stayed slightly in front of her. The room was silent; even the fighting Dead Men and Tanith had fallen quiet at the sight of these new arrivals.

"Heeeeyyy, Slendy!" a boy in green with blonde hair called. Another boy wearing a dark blue mask and hoodie slapped him upside the head.

"Ow!"

"Shut up then!"

"Why are you here?" Slender demanded. Another proxie wearing a porcelain mask and yellow raincoat shuffled his feet.

"Well," he sighed, "We wouldn't actually be here if _JEFF _hadn't snuck Lucozade into L.J's sweets."

"Hey!" the guy in the white hoodie exclaimed. "Ben snuck it into Hoodie's cheesecake first!"

"And where exactly _are _L.J and Hoodie right now?" Slender asked impatiently. The proxies looked around wildly.

"Um, Slender," Valkyrie started. The faceless man turned to her. "Where are _our _friends?" Slenderman looked down at his empty tentacles.

"Oh, hell." The room chorused.


	8. Chapter 8, Introductions

**Hey guys. So, I'm a little – a **_**lot **_**upset because my cat had to be put down today. This chapter might be shorter than usual. I'm not in the mood for hate.**

"Well it looks like we're in a bit of a predicament," Skulduggery said.

"No shit, Sherlock." Valkyrie mumbled. He whacked her. She took his hat, brandishing it in front of the skeleton's face. He took her stick.

"No fair!" she cried, lunging forwards. Skulduggery held the stick just out of her reach, and Valkyrie jumped for it like a little child. Someone coughed in the doorway.

"Detectives, if you please." Pleasant spun around, and Cain froze in position.

"Your highness," Skulduggery said confidently, "welcome back to the land of the sane." Bespoke waved something in the air, and Skulduggery sagged.

"Say please." Ghastly teased.

"Please." Skulduggery said. Ghastly raised an eyebrow.

"Pretty please?" Ghastly raised another eyebrow. "With a cherry on top." Skulduggery added as a quick afterthought.

"Skul," Valkyrie whispered, beckoning her partner closer. He obliged, bending his skull to hear what she whispered in his… the bit where his ear was supposed to be. Occasionally, the detective would murmur something in response, or nod his head. Finally, he straightened back up; handing Valkyrie back her stick and taking his hat back from her. Skulduggery placed his hands on his hips, and cleared his non-existent throat.

"Elder Bespoke," he started, "please may I…" he faltered, and turned back to Val. "What was the next bit?" she hissed something unintelligible to the rest of the room, and came to stand beside him.

"Elder Bespoke, please may I have… my… gun back?" he asked, listening intently to Valkyrie who was whispering the words into his ear.

"You may." Ghastly said, and tossed the gun over. Skulduggery grabbed it easily, and turned to Slender and his proxies.

"So, before we go on a wild goose chase, who are you?"

"My apologies," Slender said, stepping forwards. "This is-"

"I can introduce myself!" the boy dressed as Link whined.

"OK then." Slender huffed, turning away and crossing his tentacles.

"WELL." The boy yelled. He turned to the boy in the yellow jacket. "What do I say?" he whispered. Slender sighed, raising a tentacle to his non-existent face.

"This," he began again, "is Ben."

"The Link wannabe." The boy in the blood-stained hoodie scoffed.

"That's Jeff, Masky," Slender gestured to the boy in the yellow coat before a fight could break out amongst the exchanged glares, "E.J," the boy in the dark blue, "and Smile Dog." The dog wagged his tail. "L.J normally dresses as a black-and-white clown, and Hoodie in a… well, orange hoodie. And a mask similar to Masky's, so… yeah. That's about it." The three mages nodded, and Skulduggery did their side of the introductions.

"Well, I am the extremely charming, witty, amazi-" Valkyrie punched him square in the face. "Ow." He muttered.

"That's Skulduggery." She said dryly. "_I _am the strong, selfless, beauti-" Ghastly cleared his throat. "Sorry. My name's Valkyrie, Valkyrie Cain. That's Ghastly Bespoke, and our other friends are as follows. Tanith Low, the blonde woman in brown leathers, carries a sword and is deadly with it so be careful around her. Saracen Rue, a bit overweight, but he knows things. Lots of things. Dexter Vex, the dirty blonde, you'll recognise him from his muscles." She stopped and stared into space dreamily for a moment, before continuing. "Anton Shudder, the funeral director, and Erskine Ravel… he's… he's an idiot." Just as she finished, someone stumbled through the door, looking a bit bewildered. His hair was ruffled, making him look that bit sexier to Valkyrie.

"What the hell happened?" Dexter Vex asked.


	9. Chapter 9, Wheelie chairs

**I can't really say anything, except that I'm sorry.**

"**But why?" you are screaming. "Why did you leave us?" well, the truth is, and I'm not going to lie here… I was too lazy to update. *GASP*. Who would've thought? The beautiful, witty, teenager sitting before her laptop… too **_**lazy!**_** Anyway…**

Just as she finished, someone stumbled through the door, looking a bit bewildered. His hair was ruffled, making him look that bit sexier to Valkyrie.

"What the hell happened?" Dexter Vex asked. Pleasant coughed.

"Well, Dexter, welcome back to the land of the-"

"Don't you dare say it." Vex warned.

"Welcome back to the land of the sane." Skulduggery said, amusement whispering its way through his accent and into his words. Dexter slapped him upside the head, and mumbled something about Ravel forcing him to drink the Lucozade. Then he looked up, saw a bewildered Slenderman and four curious proxies, took one look at the smiling dog before him, and shrieked. Vex fell back against Ghastly, who in turn shoved him off and into Valkyrie, who pushed him into Skulduggery, who blocked him with a wall of air.

"Ow." He said, falling to the ground. Masky sighed and walked over, holding out a hand which Dexter took gratefully.

"Aren't you supposed to be more…" Masky started.

"Sensible?" Skulduggery interrupted. "Mature? Because, let me assure you, I cannot believe I walked into a war with five morons and a wicked witch." Valkyrie put her head down and started to sulk.

"There, there…" said Skulduggery, patting her hair gently.

"That's not what you said when you almost pissed your pants at the sight of Slender." She grumbled, and Pleasant took his hand back.

"Anyway," E.J started, "we need to find out what's actually going on here. We know our friends are high on Lucozade. We don't know where they are. We don't know where they're going. We don't know how long it'll take for the effect to wear off, so-"

"_YO ERSKINE, I'VE FOUND ANOTHER STASH!" _Someone yelled from a way away. It sounded like Saracen.

"Quite a while, then." E.J continued. "Slendy, do you thi-"

"Don't _call _me that!" Slender grumbled, and folded his tentacles.

"Why don't we just kill them? Problem solved." Jeff muttered, and Valkyrie looked up in horror.

"Jeff, you are _not _going to kill my friends, creepypasta or no creepypasta." Jeff, too, started to sulk. So now, there was one sulking goddess and two sulking murderers in the room. Ghastly left abruptly.

"I-I-I'm just going to check the files…" he muttered, and rushed off. Smile dog barked and followed him, wagging his tail.

"You know, let's get on to finding them before L.J does anything stupid." Ben suggested, and everyone agreed.

Skulduggery paired with E.J and Ben, and the three went to search the lower levels of the Sanctuary. Dexter went off with Masky and Jeff, and they went to search upstairs, which left Valkyrie with Slender.

"I guess it's just you and me," she mumbled, and led the tall man to the door.

"We should search this level first." He said, and they walked along in silence for a while.

"Why are you scared of me?" Slender finally asked.

"What?"

"Why are you scared of me?" he repeated.

"I just… I've seen a lot of weird and crazy stuff in the past few years, OK? Faceless gods… warlocks… a sea hag… but I've never seen a walking, talking faceless man that's ten feet tall."

"What was your reaction when you met Skulduggery?" Valkyrie blushed and walked faster. "Oh, come on." Slender persisted.

"Iblackedout." She quipped.

"I… see…" he said. And then there was a high-pitched scream.

"Oh, for god's sake…" Valkyrie muttered, and turned around, shadows at the ready. Slender stood behind her nervously, anticipating what was coming. And then they saw it.

Something skidded down the corridor at the speed of light, and it would have smashed into both Val and Slender if they hadn't side-stepped. It took them a moment to regain their senses, before what sounded like a herd of elephants came running through the corridors. Two laughing proxies and three giggling mages, followed by a yapping dog and another four furious sorcerers.

"Aw, hell." Valkyrie muttered, and joined in the chase. She followed who she assumed to be Ravel on a wheelie chair until he finally smashed through the door to his office. The splintering of glass could be heard from inside, and then high-pitched screaming.

"_ARGH! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT GETITOUTGETITOUT!" _Skulduggery stopped behind his partner, who was looking on in amusement as three fish fell from inside Ravel's soggy robes. He had crashed into the fish tank.

"I told him he'd regret buying those fish…" Ghastly murmured.


End file.
